102: Amy Green Smith - Self-Worth, People-Pleasing, and Nervous System Survival

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How does a rigid, dogmatic
upbringing shape the way we

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respond to grief, autonomy and
the pressure to make other

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people happy?
Why do so many high functioning,

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successful people default to
people pleasing under stress?

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And what is the often ignored
fawn response reveal about our

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nervous systems?
And.

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How can understanding concepts
like self sentiment, consent,

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and the inner critic help us
rewire beliefs that have quietly

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been running our lives?
Stay tuned as we touch on these

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and many other topics on this
week's episode of Untether Your

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Life.
Welcome to Untether Your Life, a

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show that empowers you to break
free of templates related to

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career, relationships and
managing mental and physical

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health, and looks at key issues
impacting the South Asian

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diaspora.
I'm your host, Nikhil Torzakar,

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and I'm passionate about the
power of conversation to

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catalyze change as busy hard.
Working professionals with

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families demanding jobs and
non-stop obligations, it's easy

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to live on autopilot.
We follow inherited scripts

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about success and worth, often
without asking whether they

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still service overtime.
That can quietly turn into

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people pleasing burnout.
Disconnection from ourselves.

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This week's episode is a
rebroadcast.

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Amy Greensmith recently popped
up on my Instagram feed dropping

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some serious truth bobs, and it
felt like the right time to

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resurface this conversation.
Amy is a certified life coach

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and hypnotherapist, speaker, and
personal empowerment expert who

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helped people find their voice
and build real self worth.

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She's been featured in Inspired
Coach magazine and on FOX 5 San

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Diego, and she brings a rare mix
of insight, irreverence, and

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humanity to her work.
In this episode, we talk about

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how a dogmatic upbringing shapes
our inner world, why people

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pleasing is often a nervous
system survival strategy, and

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how concepts like consent, self
sentiment, and the inner critic

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help explain the beliefs running
our lives.

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We also explore spiritual
deconstruction, hypnotherapy,

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and what it means to choose
yourself with clarity and grace.

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And with that, let's get
untethered.

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So Amy, you have such an
interesting voice and

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perspective.
Is there anything else you want

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to add beyond the bio that I
just shared with the audience?

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Well, I think similar to your
story, I think so many of us end

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up in these kind of teaching
spaces from our own tumult and

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struggle.
And my situation was very much

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the same.
So for just a bit of context, I

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grew up in an extremely
dogmatic, born again Christian

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family.
My father had a master's in

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divinity and a doctorate in
ministry, so he was not not

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messing around in our household.
And so there was a lot of

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motivation to be quote good.
I know that you've talked a lot

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about your upbringing and what
was expected of you.

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And a lot of that for me was
infused from a very rigid

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religion and perspective about
right and wrong and a lot of

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motivation through guilt and
fear.

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But I was, you know, I checked
all the boxes.

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I was the quintessential oldest
kid who, you know, I, I started

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working when I was 14, put
myself through college,

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etcetera.
And then everything kind of came

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to a head in the mid O 5 O
6:00-ish when the secret was

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getting really big and people
were really going off on law of

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attraction.
And so I had really started to

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expand my, my spiritual idea.
But up until that time, every

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time I went to visit my parents,
I would kind of put up this

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artifice and kind of shape
shift.

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And I would tell my husband
like, OK, no liberal agenda, no

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cussing, no drinking, no talking
about Jon Stewart, no South

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Park.
You know, they I would kind of

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say put up this veneer.
And it kind of came to a head in

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in O7 when my father passed and
I felt incredibly convicted that

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I was going to be the one to do
his makeup for his viewing.

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So I had a background in makeup
artistry and I felt like it

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would be kind of a a jerk move
to be like, get your own makeup

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artist dad.
But I also felt like I was kind

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of winning it daughter that day
by doing dead dad makeup.

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And also I spoke to a crowd of
hundreds of people and he really

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was quite, quite an incredible
human.

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Well, I get back home to my
mom's house and she finds it the

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most opportune time to say that
she feels as though my father

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and her had failed as parents
because myself and my two

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siblings were no longer
subscribed to the faith

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traditions we were raised in.
And I was kind of like, first of

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all, well, and also to be
grouped in with my siblings who

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had done jail time, had trouble
with the law, were not

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self-sufficient.
Meanwhile, here I am, you know,

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pulling myself up by my
bootstraps.

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And the only thing I could kind
of muster there with her at the

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time was to say, I don't think
you should say that to a child.

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But that really was sort of a
pivotal moment for me because I

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realized that, you know, and in
the works that I do now, I don't

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think that speaking up for
yourself or giving voice to

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things, having difficult
conversations, learning to say

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no, I don't think those are
often an ultimatum.

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But in that moment, I kind of
went, OK, if push comes to shove

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and I have to decide between
making you happy or making me

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happy, I'm going to choose me.
And I'll tell you what, that was

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not a linear line.
And I had a lot of growing to do

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before I got to kind of do the
work that I do now.

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But it was kind of like
floodgates were open and I was

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extremely combative and
adversarial.

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I wanted to fight about
everything now that this dam had

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erupted.
And it wasn't until many times

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taking back my delivery, not
taking back my stance, my

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opinions, my beliefs, but
saying, hey, I still feel the

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same way, but I should have
never spoken to you in that way.

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Will you forgive me for that,
for that delivery?

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And that really informed this
concept that I speak about all

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the time now, which is speaking
up for yourself with grace and

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kindness, that you can end a
business partnership with grace,

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that you can ask an adult child
to move out of the house with

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the utmost compassion.
You can ask for a divorce with

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extreme kindness.
And I don't think that's modeled

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very much for us.
So, so that's a bit of the

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impetus behind kind of the the
work I do now.

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Yeah, I had heard about that in
some of your previous

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appearances where you were
talking about sort of like that

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was the, well, I don't want to
diminish it, but it's almost

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like a come to Jesus moment,
almost kind of apropos,

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literally, because, you know,
obviously with the dogmatic

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upbringing that you spoke about.
Let me ask you, I mean, was that

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something that because I, you
know, there's always that people

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say, you know, I'm spiritual but
not religious?

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Or was that something I'd like
to understand a little bit more

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because I went through a similar
journey.

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You know, I was raised Hindu,
but it was challenging for me

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just because it seemed very
esoteric.

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You know, it just seemed like
very abstract.

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There wasn't a lot of definition
right where it was like there

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were too many Shades of Grey.
And so I did a 180 and I kind of

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gravitated toward Christian
faith.

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I actually really did a deep
dive into it and you know, it,

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it's kind of interesting, like
when you've been deprived of

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something for so long that it
has an appeal that conversely,

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people who have been raised in
that faith like yourself, you

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know, where it was very black
and white, that that can be very

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restrictive.
So, but you mentioned the

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secret, you know, which I'm very
familiar with the spiritual

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text, everything and the law of
attraction.

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But I I wanted to understand a
little bit more, Amy, if we

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could do a little bit more of a
deep dive kind of how you

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segwayed from being raised in
this very devout Christian faith

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to being more pan spiritual, I
guess you could say.

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Yeah.
I definitely have to attribute a

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lot of it to my incredible
partner because there were I

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think you're you're similar age
group.

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Do you remember the show Dharma
and Greg?

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I remembered I never watched it
but it's funny.

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Dharma is like my my favorite
word, right?

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Never seen an episode, but go
ahead.

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Yeah.
Well, she had sort of the the

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hippie parents.
So obviously Co opting some

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South Asian influence for sure,
but it was sort of this

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dichotomous marriage of one with
this socialite kind of

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upbringing and then the real
hippie upbringing.

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So and that was very much the
latter was my my husband's.

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And so his mom actually grew up
in a situation where she was

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heavily invested with the Agua
Caliente Native American tribe,

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and she was a curator for them.
And so she had a lot of

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indigenous understanding.
And.

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And so he grew up learning about
ayahuasca and learning about all

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these really incredible
teachings.

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And.
And that was of the devil from

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in my household, right.
Yeah.

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So.
And when was that Amy, that was

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not?
We met in We met in 97 and then

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got married in 99 and at the
time well.

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I was just interrupt, but I was
just going to say it's, it's so

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funny.
It's like every other person I

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talk to these days talks about
ayahuasca like it's this.

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It's almost like getting an
espresso.

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You know, I went on this
ayahuasca ceremony and I changed

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my life.
But yeah, I mean, that to talk

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about ayahuasca in the late 90s,
that's pretty far afield from

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the mainstream, but go ahead.
Yeah.

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I think their family was the
first time I ever heard about

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ROM Das.
I think they had cannabis that

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they grew and they would just
out the whole family would get

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together and like harvest it and
dry it.

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And I'm like fresh out of high
school, Christian high school,

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and I meet this man and I'm
like, Oh my God.

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I think there was a couple of
things that happened for me.

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One was I felt unbelievably lied
to because I felt like a lot of

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the things that I had been
taught that were so stringently

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black or white.
As in, if you have sex, you are

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going to either get pregnant or
AIDS, and you're also going to

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be giving away a piece of your
soul that you can never get

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back.
If you gamble, you're going to

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eventually lose your life
savings.

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You know, if you drink, if you
do cannabis, you're going to

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become a binary.
Thinking.

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Yeah, incredibly binary and
extreme.

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So I started experiencing like
having a drink and, you know,

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having cannabis, having sex.
And I was like, this is not at

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all what I thought was going to
happen.

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So you know, there's a grief
involved with that.

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One of the key elements of grief
is anger.

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And so I felt unbelievably lied
to.

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But then it morphed into AI need
to find a name for who I am and

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what I believe so that I can
stand behind it.

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Because I felt like just saying
I no longer subscribe to that

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was not enough.
I needed to say because I

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believe in Buddhism or something
new to kind of put my stake in

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the ground.
And it wasn't until many, many

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years later that I even heard
the term deconstructing.

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That wasn't even a thing.
That was like, you just left the

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church you abandoned and the
whole there's reasons for

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everything, right?
Like, Oh, you just want to sin.

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You want to be in.
And I'm like, well, what if I

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don't believe that sin exists?
What if I don't think that?

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And I even as a young child
going through a Christian School

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and all of these things, I
remembered having this concept

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of God and thinking she's
probably up there saying that's

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not what I meant.
I didn't mean that.

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I didn't mean divide and be so
mean to each other.

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I I literally meant take care of
one another, love each other.

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So there are a lot of principles
that I think are, are still

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quite sound, but it's not.
I identify now as agnostic

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atheist.
I am very clear that I don't

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know everything and I'm open to
learning, but I can no longer

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get behind the God of the Bible,
you know?

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I'm very, it's interesting, Amy,
because you made a great point

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there, because on my most recent
episode was with a gentleman

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named Masvidal Maheshananda.
So he's the gentleman I was

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telling you about before we
started recording.

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Just a wealth of knowledge about
yoga and Ayurveda, but not just

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Eastern traditions, also Western
because, and that's what he

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talks about in Christianity
where it's like at its core,

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it's about compassion, it's
about forgiveness, it's about

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love.
But the message because of

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organizations not throwing
shade, organized religion per

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SE, but a lot of times when
monetary concerns get involved,

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when power, when the ego comes
into play, it leads to a

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distortion of that message.
And that's unfortunately, you

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know, kind of what what ends up
happening with a lot of these

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movements, you know, it's just
they become Co opted and the

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core message really gets pushed
through this distortion field,

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right.
And then that's unfortunately,

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it sounds like that's what you
had been exposed to.

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But tell me more about sort of
how I'd like to sort of go a

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little bit further with that,
Amy, about, you know, you

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mentioned the spirit and maybe
just kind of how you kind of

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came into this spiritual
awakening, you know, not

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necessarily subscribing to one
specific school of thought,

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like, oh, you know, I'm a
Buddhist or I'm a Taoist or

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whatever it is.
But maybe if you can, maybe the

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community that helped you in
that journey and some of the

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practices if you could share
with us.

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I toyed around with a bunch of
different things that some

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spiritual centers near my house
that really pulled from lots of

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different ideas of faith and.
This was still in California or

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this was?
Still in California, Yeah, this

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was still right around that time
period.

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And then I I found coaching and
the way I found this is I was

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kind of dying a slow death in a
corporate environment.

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I know you know what that's
like.

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And you were at, was it Mac of
the cosmetics place or this was

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from?
Road, yeah, I was a corporate

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trainer for for Mac cosmetics
for for a handful of years.

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And so, you know, again, company
car travelling all over, having

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an assistant like very much a
big girl job in my mid 20s,

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which was pretty incredible, but
definitely dying a slow death.

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And so I was looking for
something that I wanted to shift

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and I had such a great gig with
them that I didn't want to just

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jump ship just to jump ship.
I wanted it to be the next major

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chapter of my life.
So I remember one day I came

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home from work and my husband
said I heard about this person

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on the radio today.
I was back when we listened to

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the radio.
Radio.

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What's that?
Well, yeah, old tech alert and

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he said.
I was listening to this person

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on the radio and it's you.
It's what you've been doing your

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whole life.
It's called a life coach.

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And I was like, oh, really?
Oh, that's interesting.

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OK.
And he felt so convicted about

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it that he sent off to a school
to get a bunch of information.

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And so he presents all these
leaflets and pamphlets to me.

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And I that was sort of the the
genesis of getting involved in

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this internal work.
And I, I went to some retreats

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where I was surrounded by, oh,
gosh, like septuagenarians,

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octogenarians, people who were
so significantly older than me.

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And I was like 25 And, and they,
they, I all said, you are so

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smart to be doing this right
now.

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And I felt like I was just
having this massive quarter life

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crisis and that really started
shifting everything for me.

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And I think one of the things
that blew my world wide open was

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this idea of the inner critic,
right.

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And now as I've studied, become
quite a student hypnosis, now I

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00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,320
understand what's actually
happening there in the brain and

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in the mind with the inner
critic.

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But I just thought everything
that I processed in my mind was

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just true.
It was it was just true.

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And I didn't realize like, Oh my
gosh, so much of that has been

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00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:24,800
conditioned to beliefs that I
did not consent to.

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And, you know, beliefs about my
body, about being queer, about

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femininity, about dogma, about
all sorts of.

295
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Things kind of on autopilot.
And that that really started

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shifting things.
And I kind of threw in the towel

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00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,560
for a while.
And when I realized, you know, I

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had gone to coaching school and
then I was like, oh, crap,

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building a business.
I don't think I want that.

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00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,360
Wait, who's going to take care
of my 4 O 1K though?

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And and so I kind of threw in
the towel.

302
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,360
And then when my father passed,
I ended up seeing a therapist

303
00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:00,320
and she said, I still think
there's something here for you

304
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,560
with the coaching.
And that's when I went back and

305
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:06,960
did my full certification and
and then really started crafting

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00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,160
a business.
And that was probably in O9 when

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00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:13,240
I really got serious about it.
You touched on one thing, Amy,

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00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,680
while you were talking about
your journey, which really, as

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00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:18,080
you and I were talking before
the show, show is, is something

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that I would say I'm still in
the initial stages of really

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00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:23,680
diving deep into, and that's
hypnotherapy.

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00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,280
You know, it's funny, even in
this day and age, I think when

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00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:29,800
people hear about hypnosis, they
think about some seminar where,

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00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:33,240
you know, you get programmed to
cluck like a chicken or, you

315
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:37,880
know, do some crazy shit, right?
But I would love if you can give

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00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:41,120
us a little bit more of a
enlightened or maybe nuanced

317
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,680
view of hypnotherapy, kind of
your journey with it.

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00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:48,320
And you know, we don't need to
make this like a super esoteric

319
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,160
discussion, but there is a lot
of science to it.

320
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,880
You know, we talk about alpha
brain waves, Theta brain waves.

321
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:57,320
So that's totally my jam.
So I'd love if you can talk

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00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:58,560
about that to your heart's
content.

323
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:03,680
So I did also think of the
ideology that I started

324
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:07,079
experimenting with, and that was
universal Unitarianism.

325
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:10,280
That's what I meant to say
earlier when I had a little

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00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,200
brain fart.
So the chicken stuff.

327
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:19,040
Yeah, it's tricky because what
is happening essentially when

328
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:22,240
somebody is is hypnotized is
exactly what you were mentioning

329
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:26,520
earlier, is simply a slowing
down of the brain wave state.

330
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,920
So if you're familiar with Bruce
Lipton, he talks about it

331
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:31,000
sometimes as well.
I don't.

332
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:33,680
Know if you could see it as you
can't see it up there, but it's

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00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:34,640
biology belief.
Yeah.

334
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,320
I love Bruce Lipton.
Perfect.

335
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:40,680
Well, in, in sort of the, the
impetus behind this was I was

336
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:45,040
doing a lot of coaching work and
really wanting to concretize

337
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:48,080
changed beliefs.
I didn't want it to just be

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00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:51,560
these sporadic classes that
people would take, get good

339
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:56,280
ideas, consume data, and then
not actually change anything.

340
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:59,480
And so I wanted to look at the
science of change, like what

341
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,600
actually changes your belief
system?

342
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:04,120
That's when I really started
getting heavily involved in

343
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,560
understanding the subconscious
versus the conscious.

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00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:10,160
And I'm sure you've talked about
this, but it depends on who you

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00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,640
who you talk to.
But we know that the conscious

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00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:17,840
faculty of the mind is roughly
5% versus subconscious really

347
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:21,600
running the show at 95%.
Well, there's a little guard dog

348
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:25,560
kind of in between there
checking for congruence between

349
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:29,040
those two elements, which is the
inner critic, that critical

350
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,920
factor of the mind, which we
don't typically develop into,

351
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:35,400
you know, age 8:00-ish.
So you walk around basically

352
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,560
completely suggestible.
That's what we call it in in

353
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:40,840
hypnosis, like is somebody
suggestible?

354
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:43,960
And it's basically where the
inner critic or the critical

355
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,480
factor of the mind goes to
sleep.

356
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:50,840
And that happens when the brain
waves slow down to a Theta wave.

357
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:54,320
So we, you know, we have a
certain level of brain wave

358
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:58,480
activity in our awakened state.
You can actually right and then

359
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,200
completely being asleep is
delta.

360
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:05,400
But so we pass through this
Theta wave state where our brain

361
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:09,240
is slowing down and it, and this
is also why sometimes in

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00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:13,520
hypnosis people will say, like,
try to lift your arm, you can't.

363
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:16,360
And that is because you are
nearing delta.

364
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:19,320
So when we're in delta, when our
brain waves have slowed down

365
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:23,240
that much, it's so that the
subconscious can be available,

366
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,960
but you're not flailing around
your, your body isn't hyper

367
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,760
mobile.
If you are running and jumping

368
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:32,760
in your dreams, right, starts to
shut down in that part of your

369
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,840
body.
So the same can be true as

370
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:38,440
you're passing through Theta.
So it's not anything that's like

371
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,800
woo woo or not able to be
calculated.

372
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,080
It's it's a very scientific
process.

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00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:48,600
So we all go through a hypnotic
trance every single morning and

374
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,480
every single night as we awaken
or as we go to sleep.

375
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:55,400
So that can be a great little
hack is if you start to become

376
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:59,080
attuned to what that feels like.
And this is what I do every day.

377
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,920
I'll have a set of beliefs or
maybe 1.

378
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:05,320
Major belief that I want to
cement into the subconscious.

379
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:08,400
And when I can feel myself
starting to drift off to sleep,

380
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,080
I'll just repeat that in my head
over and over and over again.

381
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,760
And same when I start waking up
I'll do the same thing as well.

382
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,720
But I'm sure you probably heard
this too.

383
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:20,320
People describe the separation
of the subconscious versus the

384
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,640
conscious where you're driving
somewhere, you get to your

385
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,160
destination, You're like, how
did I get here?

386
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,920
So your conscious mind is like
replaying what you should have

387
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,480
said in that argument earlier
today.

388
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,680
Or like, your subconscious knows
how to drive.

389
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:38,000
It knows how to get to that
location as long as it's, you

390
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,240
know, a place you've gone a
million times before.

391
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:46,080
Our subconscious is embedded
with things that are known or it

392
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,640
will register danger if
something is unknown.

393
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:52,680
So for many of us, we start
developing positive associations

394
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:56,840
with things that kept us safe in
our youth, like a positive

395
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,560
association with
overachievement, perfectionism.

396
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:03,640
For a lot of the folks that I
work with, it's people pleasing.

397
00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:07,840
Let me shape shift, twist and
contort myself in order to

398
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:10,160
garner the approval that I'm
desiring.

399
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:13,280
So then if we're trying to talk
to the conscious part of the

400
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:17,280
mind that's just 5% and we're
trying to say, no, I love my

401
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:21,120
body or no, I'm capable of
creating wealth or I deserve to

402
00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:23,840
speak up or I, I can establish
boundaries.

403
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:27,600
Everything in that, that little
guard dog, that critical factor

404
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,600
of the mind is like bullshit.
That's how it says down here,

405
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,800
down here.
Exactly, Yeah.

406
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:34,960
Exactly.
And the same is true if we look

407
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,880
at it through a neuroscience
lens.

408
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:40,520
You know, the with
neuroplasticity and the neural

409
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:43,120
pathways in the brain.
So whether we're talking about

410
00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:46,560
mind or brain, it's both very
much yes.

411
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:48,640
We can teach old dogs new
tricks.

412
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:52,160
You know, that's sort of the
fixed versus growth mindset

413
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,200
idea.
Just because you haven't been

414
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:58,400
good at tough conversations or
starting your own podcast or

415
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,120
starting a business doesn't mean
you have to always be that way.

416
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:06,120
Or if you've always felt that
you can't speak up, you know, I

417
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:10,240
know you worked against a belief
around being extroverted versus

418
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,360
introverted.
And that for sure.

419
00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:16,600
Oh, I don't.
That now is known as something

420
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,680
negative in my mind.
Now I know being extrovert is

421
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:22,280
negative, so now I need to
change behavior.

422
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,720
Deep shift belief.
Yeah, I get I get fired up about

423
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:28,080
this stuff.
Yeah, it's totally my jam as

424
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:29,760
well.
And I think that there's so many

425
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,440
meditation teachers out there
and I wouldn't say I'm

426
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,560
exclusively subscribed to one,
but I think for people who are

427
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:39,560
trying to get into it, Amy, I
think the school of thought that

428
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:43,480
resonates with me deeply.
The Silva ultra mind system.

429
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,520
I'm not, I don't know if you're
familiar with Jose Silva.

430
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:49,120
And it's interesting because I
think he was like a radio

431
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:52,760
technician or he worked for the
military, but basically he

432
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,560
worked on radios all day.
And I think he got it into his

433
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:59,400
head about how do we treat the
human mind like a radio?

434
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,720
And it's so apropos because I
tell you, I mean, I can I can

435
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:05,480
attest to this morning.
I just woke up and I'm like, I

436
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:08,360
got so much to do.
And you know, just bills.

437
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:11,560
I got the kids camps, all this,
you know, just kind of in the

438
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,920
mud, so to speak, right?
And I just kind of, as we were

439
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,600
talking about just, it was like
I was driving through the

440
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:20,560
mountains and I was trying to
listen to my favorite radio

441
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:22,040
station.
Again, I'm dating myself here,

442
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,680
but trying to listen to my
favorite radio station and it

443
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,400
was just static.
But then I sat down for like

444
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:30,520
maybe 5 minutes, just did some,
you know, conscious breathing

445
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:33,920
and it was like I tuned to the
right frequency, that right

446
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:35,760
radio station.
I think you and I are on the

447
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:38,280
same page here about it's
frustrating, right?

448
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:42,680
Because I think this stuff is
not this ethereal kind of woo

449
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,600
woo stuff where it's just
there's so much science behind

450
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:46,920
it.
There's this amazing book called

451
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:48,600
Altered Traits.
I don't know if you're familiar

452
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:51,720
with that, but it does talk
about you, you're familiar with

453
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,280
it, or.
I've heard of it, I haven't read

454
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:53,600
it.
OK.

455
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:56,640
Yeah, I mean, and they talk
about, you know, trying to get

456
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:59,480
into these higher states of
consciousness Really, you know,

457
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,960
we don't have we don't have all
have the luxury of being able to

458
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:05,920
go to A and, you know, meditate
for days on end.

459
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:10,440
But if we can interject some of
this into our day-to-day, it's

460
00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:14,200
going to really help us to have
those big breakthroughs and

461
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,880
those aha moments that not to be
too, you know, kumbaya about it,

462
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:21,520
but they can really push
humanity forward. 100% And I

463
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:25,000
think talking about sort of the,
the spiritual journey and sort

464
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,880
of the religious journey that we
started off with, what changed

465
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:32,120
for me is I kind of felt like,
oh, I already have divinity.

466
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:37,600
I already have an internal God
that is my compass and that is

467
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:41,920
helping me discern oh, that's a
red flag or that's a green flag

468
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,200
or oh, that's a pink flag.
Keep an eye on that, right.

469
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:47,920
And what we don't talk about
often times in personal

470
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:52,000
development is that your inner
critic and your intuition are

471
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,360
the exact same thing.
They're the same they're same

472
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:59,320
coin, different sides.
So we refer to it as an inner

473
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,400
critic when it feels like it's
getting in our way or if it

474
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:06,000
something negative.
We refer to it as intuition when

475
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:10,160
we're on to something, when it
is a clear path we need to

476
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:13,720
follow.
So for example, like if you are

477
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:17,520
walking through a dark alley at
night, your intuition, we would

478
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:20,600
call it intuition would say
like, oh, you might not be safe.

479
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,320
You need to really watch and be
careful.

480
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:26,200
My intuition was picking up all
of these red flags.

481
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:29,840
Well, the exact same thing
happens when we get nervous to

482
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:32,840
start our own business when
we're actually not in present

483
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:35,720
danger.
But the inner critic goes, hey,

484
00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:38,040
this is new.
We've never done this before.

485
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,960
Again, registering knowns and
unknowns, this is unknown.

486
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:44,440
I don't think this is safe
throwing up all these red flags.

487
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,600
So one of the discerning
questions that I use all the

488
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:51,560
time is, am I in danger?
Or is this just new?

489
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:56,480
Because fear shows up and so
does inner critic or intuition.

490
00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:00,560
In every situation where there's
fear, right, or a new situation,

491
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:02,400
those things will always be
present.

492
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:06,000
So we have to discern, am I
actually in danger or is this

493
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,800
just new?
And I think that's also

494
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:11,400
exponentially worse, or I would
say applicable for people who

495
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:15,480
are, who find themselves a part
of a marginalized identity or an

496
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:18,520
intersection they're in.
I was talking to a really

497
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:21,880
amazing woman one time, a black
woman, and she was talking about

498
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:25,920
giving birth.
And we know that of the

499
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,960
developed nations, we have the
highest mortality rate for women

500
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,720
and it's exponentially worse for
women of color, specifically

501
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:33,680
black women.
So she was saying, do you think

502
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:37,400
I was people pleasing by trying
to get the staff to take care of

503
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:41,240
me and like be really, really
sweet and saccharine with them

504
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:43,640
so that they would take care of
me?

505
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:47,200
And I said, no, I don't think
because you are not outsourcing

506
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,800
yourself worth.
That's often times what we're

507
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,600
doing with people pleasing is
we're trying to outsource our

508
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:55,560
self worth versus self
preservation.

509
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:59,120
You were coming from a place of
I need to care take for myself.

510
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:03,000
So for many of us out there, we
have to discern and I actually

511
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:08,000
in danger here or is this just
new and that can also serve to

512
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,400
help us choose the appropriate
behavior.

513
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,240
I love what you say when you
talk about people pleasing

514
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:17,960
specifically, you know, I've
done a lot of research on and

515
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,960
like, you know, sympathetic
parasympathetic response and the

516
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,560
mental shortcut is people say
fight or flight, right?

517
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,760
That's always the shorthand
version of characterizing

518
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:28,520
parasympathetic versus
sympathetic.

519
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,320
One of the things that I found
very interesting that you talk

520
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:35,360
about is this notion of fawn
sort of interject with that.

521
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:39,240
And I had never thought about
the fact that people pleasing is

522
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:42,640
sort of like going into that
sympathetic response, right?

523
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,360
So maybe if you can talk a
little bit more about that and

524
00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:47,360
kind of, you know, how it's
played out in your life and

525
00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:50,760
maybe, you know, some clients
you've worked with, maybe just

526
00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:55,640
how people pleasing can sort of
be a factor and a contributor to

527
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:58,520
that sympathetic response, which
is, you know, less than ideal.

528
00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:00,880
Right.
Well, and it definitely serves a

529
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:03,400
purpose.
However, that's not when we are

530
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,840
our most creative and
resourceful.

531
00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:09,920
It's quite a testament to how
the modern world works.

532
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:13,800
Like we're forced into a
sympathetic nervous system state

533
00:28:14,360 --> 00:28:17,600
quite frequently.
Not through the lens of I might

534
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:22,360
die, so call in fight flight,
but rather putting out all these

535
00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:27,320
fires and mitigating threat.
So even if it's I'm going to be

536
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:31,320
late, dropping my child off,
that feels like a threat, right?

537
00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:34,640
So even though we're not going
consciously, we're not going, I

538
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,320
might die.
The nervous system is going, oh,

539
00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:40,760
we need to be on high alert all
the time, which is why stuff

540
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:44,840
like breath work, hypnosis,
meditation is so imperative to

541
00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:47,240
the human condition because
we're also living in this

542
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:51,600
ridiculous hustles culture.
So all of our primitive fear

543
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:56,480
responses fight, flight, freeze
and fawn obviously to show up

544
00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:59,520
when we're in near death
experiences, right?

545
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:03,400
Well, they all have modern
iterations and the modern

546
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:07,520
iteration of the fawn response,
which is basically to placate or

547
00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,880
acquiesce to an aggressor.
So if you're being attacked by a

548
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:15,000
Mountain Lion, let's say to fawn
as a fear response would be like

549
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,760
here Kitty, Kitty, here's some
food, go over there.

550
00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:20,960
It's not fighting, it's not
freezing, it's not fleeing.

551
00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:25,600
So the modern iteration of that
when we are feeling some sort of

552
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:30,080
sense of threat, if we tend to
fawn that looks like people

553
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:34,360
pleasing.
But again, in some situations,

554
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:38,800
we actually are in danger where
people pleasing might literally

555
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:42,600
keep us alive.
So for many people growing up,

556
00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:45,800
that was the case.
Maybe you had a volatile parent

557
00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:49,560
or caregiver.
Maybe you had a sibling who

558
00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:52,240
needed a ton of additional
attention.

559
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:56,440
So you in order to be seen, you
became the perfectionist or the

560
00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:58,960
people pleaser.
And one of the things that I

561
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:03,880
find a lot, Nikhil, is that
people will say, oh, I don't

562
00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:07,360
identify as a people pleaser
because they see it as somebody

563
00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:11,920
who's maybe really soft spoken,
maybe a repressed or depressed

564
00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:16,160
posture, super introverted.
But then if I say, are you

565
00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:19,800
highly invested in the opinions
of other people, they'll go, oh,

566
00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:22,000
yeah.
And I'm like, well, then there's

567
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:24,200
the chance that there's some
people pleasing behavior going

568
00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:26,960
on here.
So I don't think that it's

569
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:31,600
useful to RIP out defense
mechanisms that you've had for

570
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:35,080
decades upon decades.
I think it takes some time to

571
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:39,520
create a different association
with people pleasing one in

572
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:43,480
which we can discern.
So instead of it being positive

573
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:47,120
like this always keeps me safe,
Now we have a positive

574
00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:50,120
association with discernment.
I was just going to say that's

575
00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:52,040
like my favorite word is just
not.

576
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:55,840
Yeah, just seeing Shades of Grey
and applying context to the

577
00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:57,040
situation.
Yeah, go ahead.

578
00:30:57,240 --> 00:31:00,000
Yeah, and context is huge as
well, but we don't get that

579
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:05,480
message when we're under 8 years
old where everything is true.

580
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:08,200
Because remember, you're walking
around without the critical

581
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,960
factor of the mind, also without
intuition.

582
00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:13,840
So you're not going, oh, that
feels wrong.

583
00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:17,240
You're just kind of, I'm not
quite sure what to put that in.

584
00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:20,440
Or if you have a parent that
says no, you have to be a doctor

585
00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:24,440
like like us.
Or if you're told no, use your

586
00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:27,720
beauty because that's your
currency as a woman, then you

587
00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:32,800
start to live into that belief.
And again, I think one of the

588
00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:37,280
most powerful pieces of this is
most of the beliefs that we live

589
00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:39,960
into as adults, we didn't
consent to.

590
00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:43,600
And so once we can start to
dismantle that a little bit,

591
00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:46,600
this is one of the reasons I
love hypno so much, is because

592
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:51,760
we can now consciously inform
and reprogram that subconscious

593
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:55,280
part of the mind to be what we
really want to be, the beliefs

594
00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:58,960
that are true for us.
I think also one of the things

595
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:01,880
that I see quite prevalently
with the women that I work with,

596
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:05,720
and it sounds like a lot of your
history as well, is that

597
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:09,800
overachieving is that constant
hustle, but also hyper

598
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:14,960
individualism of not coming into
contact with community and

599
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:18,640
there's a lack of vulnerability
and then subsequently intimacy,

600
00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:20,440
right?
And that's what we want as

601
00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:22,320
humans.
We just want to be connected.

602
00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:26,920
So I think, you know, This is
why we see autoimmune issues on

603
00:32:26,920 --> 00:32:29,360
the rise, burnout on the ride,
all of that.

604
00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:33,760
That is being in a prolonged
nervous system, state of being

605
00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:36,280
in that sympathetic nervous
system for a prolonged period of

606
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:38,240
time, and we're just not
supposed to be there.

607
00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:41,520
Yeah, and I want to segue into
something else that I found

608
00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:43,880
really interesting, Amy, is
that, you know, there's all this

609
00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:46,720
talk about self talk, but one of
the things that I found

610
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:48,920
interesting that you, I don't
know if this is something you

611
00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:51,000
coined or, but it was very
powerful.

612
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:54,240
And that's self sentiment
because I'm sure you're familiar

613
00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:56,040
with the book The Body Keeps the
Score.

614
00:32:56,360 --> 00:32:59,400
But you know, it's just
basically when we're saddled

615
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:02,200
with all these obligations, when
we are kind of stuck in this

616
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:06,600
people pleasing trap of just
constantly if I get to this next

617
00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:09,560
promotion, if I get that new car
or whatever, then I'll be happy

618
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,600
kind of thing.
It definitely takes a toll.

619
00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:15,120
So maybe could you talk to me a
little bit more about self

620
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:19,400
sentiment and how listeners
maybe how they can help manage

621
00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:23,240
that and harness it and you
know, use it as a force of

622
00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:26,200
empowerment rather than this
additional weight that they're

623
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:27,280
carrying?
Yeah.

624
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:32,440
So that yes, that is a term that
I coined and it was actually

625
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:36,360
informed from a lot of my work
in hypnosis because I found

626
00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:39,760
that, and we talk about this a
lot in NLP or neurolinguistic

627
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:42,080
programming about sensory
acuity.

628
00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:47,160
So if somebody is incredibly
visual, for example, they might

629
00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:50,560
do really well with guided
imagery and meditation where

630
00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:54,040
someone's saying you're going
into your favorite safe place or

631
00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:57,000
you're going into this forest
and you see all these trees.

632
00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:00,480
Now, if you're not visual, it's
a madding.

633
00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:02,680
It's like, no, I can't see the
damn trees.

634
00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:04,200
I can't.
What are you talking about?

635
00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:05,520
Like.
Speaking a foreign language,

636
00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:06,800
yeah.
Exactly.

637
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:12,320
So if you can tap into these
other ways that you communicate

638
00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:17,120
the best or how you interpret or
compute information the best,

639
00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:20,520
you can start figuring out how
to start communing with

640
00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:24,360
yourself, talking with yourself.
So I started using that term of

641
00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:27,520
self sentiment because some
people really resonated with

642
00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:31,360
hearing a literal voice in their
head that was dumb.

643
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:33,400
You're so stupid.
That's not possible for you.

644
00:34:33,679 --> 00:34:37,280
But then there were a whole bevy
of folks that I would talk to

645
00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:40,960
who would say, I don't hear an
actual voice ever.

646
00:34:41,159 --> 00:34:44,760
But if they're, you know,
swiping through Instagram and

647
00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:47,880
they see somebody who they went
to high school with who's, you

648
00:34:47,880 --> 00:34:51,280
know, by all societal standards
doing so incredibly well, they

649
00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:54,960
will have a visceral response.
They might have a feeling of

650
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:56,960
like the heart dropping into the
stomach.

651
00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:59,000
So I just call those entry
points.

652
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:02,960
If you have an emotional entry
point of how something feels,

653
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:07,160
emotions are just messaging.
They are there to tell you move

654
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:09,760
toward or move away.
But pay attention.

655
00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:12,640
You might have an entry point
that's literal words in your

656
00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:14,240
head.
You might have an entry point

657
00:35:14,240 --> 00:35:16,800
That's behavior, right?
Your story.

658
00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:18,920
Is per person, yeah.
It's not a one-size-fits-all

659
00:35:18,920 --> 00:35:20,440
type thing, Yeah.
Exactly.

660
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:24,840
I think one of my favorite tools
though, with regards to your

661
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:27,960
internal conversation, whether
that shows up through your body,

662
00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:32,600
through your emotions or through
more of NLP also 'cause that

663
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:36,040
audio digital, if you hear a
self talking voice quite a bit.

664
00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:38,160
A lot of people have a medley of
both.

665
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:42,040
I I absolutely have both.
There's times when I hear very

666
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:45,080
specific language and then
there's other times when it's

667
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:48,920
just an internal knowing or just
a sentiment really.

668
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,400
But one of my favorite tools
around this is that one that I

669
00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:53,120
created called progressive
language.

670
00:35:53,240 --> 00:35:58,120
And again, what we're trying to
do is we're trying to embed new

671
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:00,080
beliefs into the subconscious
mind.

672
00:36:00,240 --> 00:36:03,920
But often times when we're doing
that with affirmation, that

673
00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:07,240
little inner critic, that little
guard dog is like, this is dumb.

674
00:36:07,240 --> 00:36:08,800
Get this out of here.
No, you're not.

675
00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:11,920
No, you're, you can't do that.
But right, because it's not

676
00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:13,440
congruent with what's in the
subconscious.

677
00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:16,520
So we need something that's like
giving that guard dog a little

678
00:36:16,720 --> 00:36:19,000
treat, a little green.
Chew toy or something a.

679
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:21,760
Little chew toy, right?
So obviously we can do that with

680
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:25,000
hypnosis, but in our wakened
state and with the conscious

681
00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:29,120
mind, we can have workarounds.
So instead of going from A-Z

682
00:36:29,240 --> 00:36:31,800
like in my world, it's
oftentimes around worthiness.

683
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:36,520
So instead of going from I'm not
worthy to I am worthy because if

684
00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:40,440
that feels like a bold faced
lie, we are going to stop that

685
00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:42,960
tool very quickly.
We're not going to continue on

686
00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:46,520
with repetition the way we would
need in order for it to really

687
00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:49,560
become embedded.
So using something progressive

688
00:36:49,560 --> 00:36:52,800
is instead going from like
depending on what you need, A to

689
00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:57,200
M or A to D maybe.
And it would sound something

690
00:36:57,200 --> 00:37:01,200
like instead of saying I am
worthy, you would say I'm

691
00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:06,960
exploring what worthiness means,
or I'm reengineering my beliefs

692
00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:10,800
about my worse, or I'm.
A more incremental approach,

693
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:13,040
right?
It's progressive, it doesn't

694
00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:16,560
mean I've arrived at my
destination, it doesn't mean end

695
00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:19,320
all be all.
It's not as affirmative, but

696
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:23,040
it's a something the mind can
buy into and stick to much

697
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:27,240
longer without getting such
extreme kickback from that inner

698
00:37:27,240 --> 00:37:29,520
critic voice.
I mean, I think it's helpful to

699
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:33,480
take a gradual measured approach
rather than as we as we we know,

700
00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:36,040
New Year's resolutions.
I don't know what the stats are,

701
00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:39,840
but I think like 90% of them
fail after the first month, you

702
00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:43,520
know, because people have this
boil the ocean mentality when in

703
00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:47,080
fact, you're right, that guard
dog is sort of, you know, the

704
00:37:47,080 --> 00:37:50,240
gatekeeper of all your energies
and putting those plans into

705
00:37:50,240 --> 00:37:51,920
motion.
So, yeah, I mean, I definitely,

706
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:54,600
I always live by the, you know,
Rome wasn't built in a day

707
00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:56,720
philosophy, right?
We definitely have to have

708
00:37:56,720 --> 00:37:58,120
goals.
We're all high achievers.

709
00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:01,160
But, you know, yeah, I think I
think you do have to make it.

710
00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:03,800
And you talk about Bruce Lipton,
I'm sure if you're familiar with

711
00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:06,480
the community of 50 trillion
cells analogy that he uses,

712
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:08,720
right?
So we have to think about this

713
00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:10,720
thing not.
And I I struggle with this

714
00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:14,040
myself, but I found it to be
very helpful in that when I'm

715
00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:18,520
mobilizing to do a task, I'm
thinking about all the mechanics

716
00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:21,520
behind that, you know, like just
opening up your computer, just

717
00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:25,880
getting a cup of coffee, all the
steps that go into that, right.

718
00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:28,640
So going back to your
progressive language model, it's

719
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:31,640
just like, it's almost like,
yeah, breaking down a task,

720
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:34,840
whether it's, you know, doing in
your taxes or starting a

721
00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:38,080
business, you know, just sort of
going from A to M rather than

722
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:41,760
trying to go from zero to 60 in,
in, in 5 seconds.

723
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,840
That's exactly right.
Well, and I think a lot of the

724
00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:49,680
there becomes these waves in
personal development where it's,

725
00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:54,320
you know, like self-care is the
big thing or right now I see a

726
00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:57,800
lot of like labeling of people
being toxic and I'm like, are

727
00:38:57,800 --> 00:39:01,000
they toxic or are you not able
to speak up for yourself?

728
00:39:01,000 --> 00:39:04,040
Like, or is there something in
the middle right nuance and

729
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:06,520
being able to discern context
here?

730
00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:09,360
Yeah, it's wild to me.
But, you know, I also think

731
00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:11,880
about putting that little guard
dog to sleep.

732
00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:16,080
We want that guard dog to be
awake and alert if there's ever

733
00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:19,160
any type of danger, right?
Like walking in that dark alley

734
00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:21,360
at night.
Then we call it intuition.

735
00:39:21,560 --> 00:39:26,760
Then it gets to have wings and
be this beautiful, you know,

736
00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:29,560
like Pegasus or something.
But I think it's important to

737
00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:33,400
understand that what it's always
doing is fighting for safety.

738
00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:37,160
So it's trying to figure out
like, is it safe for you to

739
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:40,200
claim that you are worthy or
that you can speak up for

740
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:42,280
yourself or that you're capable,
right?

741
00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:45,120
It doesn't look like that safe.
Remember that time when you were

742
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:47,440
eight years old and you tried to
say that and you got smacked or

743
00:39:47,440 --> 00:39:49,880
you got, you know?
Well, the analogy I use, Amy, is

744
00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:52,600
just the smoke alarm, right?
Think about in your house when

745
00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:55,400
your smoke alarm, the batteries
have gone out and it and makes

746
00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:57,920
that beeping noise.
And that's unfortunately present

747
00:39:57,920 --> 00:39:59,960
company included.
I think that's what a lot of us

748
00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:03,280
are going around with is it's
not that we want to disable that

749
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:05,360
smoke alarm because that'll kill
us.

750
00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:07,600
But the point is it's like we
need to calibrate that.

751
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:10,560
Maybe we need to replace the
batteries, you know, go for a

752
00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:13,960
retreat, go for a spa day or
whatever, you know, or, or we

753
00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:15,840
just need to replace the
stinking thing, you know, make

754
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:19,560
this radical shift in what we're
doing, you know, try and try a

755
00:40:19,560 --> 00:40:22,200
new career or start a new
venture or what not.

756
00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:24,920
And I and I use the word retreat
because I.

757
00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:28,200
I do want to understand a little
bit more, Amy, you have a lot of

758
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:29,760
amazing resources on your
website.

759
00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:31,280
You call them free sources, I
think, right?

760
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:35,960
That's sketchy, but you have a
lot of great free Reese's on

761
00:40:35,960 --> 00:40:38,480
your site.
But one that I want to learn a

762
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:42,000
little bit more about is your, I
think it's called the Worthy

763
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:44,520
Program.
So if maybe you could talk a

764
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:47,280
little bit more about that,
maybe about kind of the

765
00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:50,840
objectives, what people can look
forward to, because I think

766
00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:53,400
everything you've talked about I
think will resonate with our

767
00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:57,240
audience, men and women.
But I think for, you know,

768
00:40:57,240 --> 00:41:00,640
female listeners, can you talk
us a little bit more through the

769
00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:04,440
Worthy program?
Yeah, so this is my major

770
00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:07,040
signature program.
It's it's different than the

771
00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:09,760
freebies.
So this is consume the freebies

772
00:41:09,760 --> 00:41:14,520
enjoy like just the medley of
tons of content that I have out

773
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:16,040
there.
But then if you want to do a

774
00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:19,160
deep dive, my main signature
program is called worthy.

775
00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:23,640
I do it with individuals, but
also as a group program once a

776
00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:27,480
year and it spans about nine
months.

777
00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:32,720
So it's it's a very substantial
container, but I would say it

778
00:41:32,720 --> 00:41:38,320
usually where it hurts the most
is for folks who are clear that

779
00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:43,920
self doubt and constant berating
of themselves is despite

780
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:47,520
checking off all those boxes and
being so accomplished, they are

781
00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:50,080
still coming up empty.
They still feel not enough.

782
00:41:50,080 --> 00:41:54,000
They still don't feel worthy.
And then it also will create a

783
00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:56,560
ripple effect.
So sometimes it's now they

784
00:41:56,560 --> 00:42:00,080
isolate and they just don't have
really rich friendships or now

785
00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:03,160
they're realizing that they're
in a really detrimental marriage

786
00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:06,760
or partnership or, you know,
they want to go after something.

787
00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:10,560
So it shows up in your behavior.
So tons of people pleasing or

788
00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:13,640
caring what other people think.
Perfectionism.

789
00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:17,120
I work with so many doctors.
It's so interesting.

790
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:18,840
Lots of folks in the medical
field.

791
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:21,680
It's really fascinating.
But I think it's really similar

792
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:23,880
to like, OK, wait, the boxes
have been checked.

793
00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:27,360
Why the hell am I not happy?
So the chronology is such that

794
00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:31,480
we start by amplifying emotional
intelligence because I feel like

795
00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:33,640
that's one of your most guiding
principles.

796
00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:38,760
And I also think that when we
feel something uncomfortable,

797
00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:43,320
shame, guilt, overwhelm, stress,
we oftentimes will make a

798
00:42:43,320 --> 00:42:46,640
cataclysmic jump to that must
mean I'm not worthy.

799
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:48,280
That must mean I'm not good
enough.

800
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:50,560
Instead of no emotions are just
messaging.

801
00:42:50,560 --> 00:42:53,420
They're just there to tell us
like, hey, maybe we need to re

802
00:42:53,420 --> 00:42:55,760
evaluate this.
So we go through a whole bunch

803
00:42:55,760 --> 00:42:59,000
of stuff with inner child
forgiveness work, But the big

804
00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:02,000
chunk is the belief systems that
we start changing.

805
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:05,600
And then once we start changing
those deeply held beliefs, which

806
00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:08,920
for many people it's something
around not good enough, not

807
00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:10,280
deserving.
I don't matter.

808
00:43:10,280 --> 00:43:14,280
I'm not, you know, it's
something quite analogous to

809
00:43:14,560 --> 00:43:17,320
worthiness, sometimes love.
I'm not lovable.

810
00:43:17,320 --> 00:43:20,640
I'm not innately good.
I see that a lot from people

811
00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:24,000
with extreme religious trauma,
that there's this good bad

812
00:43:24,520 --> 00:43:28,040
binary.
And then we move into a lot of

813
00:43:28,160 --> 00:43:32,120
identity work, speaking up for
yourself, a ton of stuff around

814
00:43:32,120 --> 00:43:36,080
communication.
So the idea is such that once I

815
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:39,280
believe that I'm worthy, now how
does that have this ripple

816
00:43:39,280 --> 00:43:42,640
effect in the rest of my life?
And 1 of this things I see like

817
00:43:42,640 --> 00:43:45,640
clockwork is I often say
people's bullshit tolerance

818
00:43:45,640 --> 00:43:48,080
starts to get really low.
So The thing is that they would

819
00:43:48,080 --> 00:43:50,560
tolerate the ways that they
would allow people to speak to

820
00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:53,280
them or treat them.
You just see it through this

821
00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:55,160
completely different lens and
you're like, that's

822
00:43:55,160 --> 00:43:57,400
unacceptable.
And it almost be.

823
00:43:57,440 --> 00:43:59,600
Stepping into your sovereignty,
it sounds like, yeah.

824
00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:03,720
Yes, 100%, yeah.
So and then I, I kind of bookend

825
00:44:03,720 --> 00:44:06,040
the whole program with two
different live retreats where we

826
00:44:06,040 --> 00:44:08,840
get to commune in real life,
which is just so fantastic.

827
00:44:08,920 --> 00:44:12,120
One domestically and then one
usually out of the country.

828
00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:15,400
And I keep it to a really,
really small group.

829
00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:18,600
But I know you've talked about
this a lot too, about just the

830
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:20,520
the way in which community
heals.

831
00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:24,320
And I will say, just also
speaking as assist woman, I do

832
00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:28,560
feel like a lot of my upbringing
and messaging about other women

833
00:44:28,560 --> 00:44:32,640
was to fight with them to find
errors with them.

834
00:44:32,640 --> 00:44:35,160
They're too slutty, they show
too much skin, they're too

835
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:36,920
maternal, they're too matrally,
they're too.

836
00:44:37,480 --> 00:44:39,360
Right, relationship, yeah,
that's.

837
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:44,000
Exactly right.
But my God, we're so powerful

838
00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:45,960
when we come together and
support each other.

839
00:44:46,440 --> 00:44:48,560
And I think that's that's a
testament kind of through the

840
00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:51,360
whole human condition, really.
This could be an episode in and

841
00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:53,600
of itself is just and we we
touched on it a little bit in

842
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:55,120
the last episode.
It's just the notion of

843
00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:58,120
evolution has always been this
Darwinian survival of the

844
00:44:58,120 --> 00:45:01,560
fittest, when in fact our
species was really meant to

845
00:45:01,720 --> 00:45:04,280
collaborate.
And yes, I mean, there has to be

846
00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:07,760
some emphasis on achievement and
performance, but this whole dog

847
00:45:07,760 --> 00:45:11,440
eat dog world, I think is is a
very outdated notion that we

848
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:14,240
need to kind of disabuse
ourselves up a. 100%.

849
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:16,560
Yeah, so Amy, I've, I've just
really enjoyed this

850
00:45:16,560 --> 00:45:19,800
conversation.
I so much we align on in terms

851
00:45:19,800 --> 00:45:22,480
of, you know, our, our views and
just in terms of a lot of

852
00:45:22,480 --> 00:45:24,600
commonalities in our journey.
So, you know, I really

853
00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:27,840
appreciate you taking the time
to, to come on the show.

854
00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:30,880
You know, at the end of the
episodes, one of the things I

855
00:45:30,880 --> 00:45:34,440
was asked my guest is the title.
This show is untether your life.

856
00:45:34,680 --> 00:45:37,240
And so it's about breaking free
of templates, whether that's

857
00:45:37,240 --> 00:45:39,680
career or health or
relationships.

858
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:42,160
And as we've talked about, I
think you've done an amazing job

859
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:44,440
of that.
How would you tell a listener if

860
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:46,640
they're listening and they're
like, you know, I want to try to

861
00:45:46,640 --> 00:45:48,640
untether my life?
How would you tell them to go

862
00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:51,920
about that journey?
I would say the first item of

863
00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:56,480
the business would be check
yourself talk or yourself

864
00:45:56,480 --> 00:46:00,520
sentiment for absolutes.
And what I mean by that is if

865
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:03,840
you hear in your mind a
narrative of that's not

866
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:09,840
possible, I can't, won't never
have to no one else.

867
00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:15,000
Like where there's this stamp of
affirmation, it has to be this

868
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:17,640
way that's indicative of a
belief.

869
00:46:17,800 --> 00:46:22,880
So just exploring, is that a
belief that I have consented to

870
00:46:23,120 --> 00:46:28,040
can open up your entire world of
have I just been feeding into a

871
00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:30,800
belief system?
Have I been tethered to a

872
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:37,880
paradigm that is stifling and
not not genuinely what I want to

873
00:46:38,000 --> 00:46:41,840
believe any longer?
But it shows up most often when

874
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:45,400
we say I have to, I have to do
that or there's no other

875
00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:48,040
possibility.
And usually if you examine that,

876
00:46:48,040 --> 00:46:52,960
it's, Oh no, I think I have to
do it because who will I be if

877
00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:55,440
I'm not overachieving?
Who will I be if I'm not the

878
00:46:55,440 --> 00:47:00,200
savior or the perfectionist or
the one everyone can lean on?

879
00:47:00,440 --> 00:47:02,760
That's a belief.
Where did that come from?

880
00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:05,560
We need to start searching that
out because I can tell you right

881
00:47:05,560 --> 00:47:09,640
now, you have more value than
just what you do for other

882
00:47:09,640 --> 00:47:12,600
people.
There's more to you than just

883
00:47:12,720 --> 00:47:16,200
filling somebody else's bucket.
You get to also have your bucket

884
00:47:16,200 --> 00:47:19,880
filled.
You also get to feel alive and

885
00:47:19,880 --> 00:47:23,800
fulfilled regardless, and that's
a piece of owning your worth.

886
00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:26,280
And that's a really difficult
thing to wrap your head around.

887
00:47:26,280 --> 00:47:29,640
So first item of business, let's
figure out what paradigms need

888
00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:33,120
to shift and what you've been
subscribed to without your

889
00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:36,320
consent.
Evaluate those affirmative self

890
00:47:36,320 --> 00:47:39,120
talk self sentiments.
Yeah, I couldn't agree more.

891
00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:42,240
Yeah, I think we just we really
need to discernment, I think is

892
00:47:42,240 --> 00:47:44,840
is really the watchword.
So for anyone listening, yeah,

893
00:47:45,080 --> 00:47:47,720
you don't know what that means.
Grab a dictionary and and I

894
00:47:47,720 --> 00:47:49,440
think it'll it'll definitely
change your life.

895
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:51,040
So, Amy, thank you again so
much.

896
00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:52,600
This was this was a great
conversation.

897
00:47:52,600 --> 00:47:56,120
I really enjoyed it.
If people want to find out more

898
00:47:56,120 --> 00:47:58,880
about your program worthy, if
they want to find out more about

899
00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:01,920
you in general and maybe work
with you, what's the best way

900
00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:04,720
for them to do that?
Yeah, so my little corner of the

901
00:48:04,720 --> 00:48:10,040
Internet is over at
amygreensmith.com and I often

902
00:48:10,040 --> 00:48:13,040
times will say all those names
are spelled the basic bitch way.

903
00:48:13,400 --> 00:48:15,720
There's nothing fun about those
spellings.

904
00:48:15,720 --> 00:48:19,280
They're just very regular.
But there's tons of freebies

905
00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:21,360
like Nikhil said that you can
snag.

906
00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:25,320
There's a a free hypnosis track
as well around anxiety and fear

907
00:48:25,560 --> 00:48:29,000
and that's available for you.
Also a free workbook.

908
00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:32,280
And, and then yes, you can read
up on the Worthy program.

909
00:48:32,280 --> 00:48:34,440
It's something that I take
people through one-on-one at

910
00:48:34,440 --> 00:48:37,960
this point and then we'll do the
group version of it.

911
00:48:38,240 --> 00:48:42,040
That will include the retreats
that will probably be launching

912
00:48:42,040 --> 00:48:44,800
sometime in September.
But like any self respecting

913
00:48:44,800 --> 00:48:46,160
Gen.
Xer, I hang out the most on

914
00:48:46,160 --> 00:48:49,280
Instagram.
So you can find me kind of all

915
00:48:49,280 --> 00:48:53,600
across social, but mainly on
Insta under Hey Amy Greensmith

916
00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:56,120
and I'd love to say hi.
OK.

917
00:48:56,120 --> 00:48:58,280
Thanks again, Amy.
This was a great conversation.

918
00:48:58,400 --> 00:49:00,160
Thank you, Nikhil.
I appreciate it.

919
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:05,640
Thanks so much for listening and
I hope you enjoyed that episode.

920
00:49:06,360 --> 00:49:08,800
For more of these types of
conversations, please visit us

921
00:49:08,800 --> 00:49:12,320
at untetheryourlife.co.
You can also find us on

922
00:49:12,320 --> 00:49:15,480
Instagram and Untether Your
Life, as well as on Apple,

923
00:49:15,480 --> 00:49:18,520
Spotify and other platforms by
searching for Untether Your

924
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:20,520
Life.
And if you did enjoy this

925
00:49:20,520 --> 00:49:21,920
episode?
Please leave us a.

926
00:49:21,920 --> 00:49:24,640
Review or share it with someone
who might also benefit.

927
00:49:25,400 --> 00:49:27,400
Thanks.
And until the next time we meet,

928
00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:28,840
stay untethered.